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Sunday November 24 2013
Mock the Quotes: There will be blood

Max Allegri wields a scalpel, Marco Parolo has a case of mistaken identity and Stephan Lichtsteiner is super-Swiss as Susy Campanale has the week’s oddest statements.

“There are many youngsters waiting to take my place, but not every medical student goes on to become a surgeon.”

Max Allegri warns Pippo Inzaghi and Clarence Seedorf there will be blood

“I saw a figure looming behind me and thought I was anticipating a Nigerian defender, but afterwards I turned round and realised it was Mario Balotelli! We both started laughing.”

Marco Parolo should judge a player not by the colour of his skin, but the colour of his jersey...

“For the World Cup I’d prefer a team that risks to the end rather than sit back and protect a slender lead.”

Cesare Prandelli ruins the script of every British TV commentator

“I think this should count as my official debut, as last time I was on for two minutes and I think didn’t even touch the ball!”

Parolo still made a better impression on his first cap

“We are animals who belong in competition.”

Gigi Buffon says Italy are like a thoroughbred racehorse who canter along in friendlies

“I will often be here and, when I’m not, I will wake up at night to watch you.”

Erick Thohir becomes new Inter President, majority shareholder and stalker

“What did I think of Fabio Quagliarella on Dancing with the Stars? Unfortunately I haven’t seen it yet...”

Unfortunately, Stephan Lichtsteiner, we have

“That Inter had a higher level, but with an older team. This is a squad with more enthusiasm, more eagerness, hungry and with less age - so it is always easier to influence the players - to make them understand things.”

Rafa Benitez really couldn’t teach an old dog new tricks

“Antonio Conte is always hammering us.”

Fabio Quagliarella explains the Juventus Coach is inspired by Thor – which would also explain the hair

“Being Milan Coach is not simple, because the results aren’t the only things that count. You also have to follow the philosophy dictated by President Silvio Berlusconi.”

Carlo Ancelotti reveals Rossoneri tacticians aren’t even allowed to have their own concept of reality

“I am truly very fascinated by the idea of entering into the world of politics. No, I could never join PSG. It would be like an American secret agent defecting to Russia....”

Adriano Galliani has been watching 24 and The West Wing for career inspiration

“The biggest compliment I received was that this didn’t look like an Asian club.”

Marcello Lippi manages to praise Guangzhou Evergrande in a pretty insulting way

“Men like Mario Gomez can change your life.”

Vincenzo Montella met a tall, dark, handsome stranger

“We have no special insight into UniCredit’s desire to sell its stake in Roma or its rather transparent motive for a public dialogue, so we like you will await the next news cycle to learn more…”

President James Pallotta released Roma’s snarkiest ever statement

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