Friday October 5 2012
Mock the Quotes: Chubby Cassano

Antonio Cassano can see his fat future, Massimo Cellino can’t resist the chop and Zdenek Zeman shares ageing tips with the Pope. Susy Campanale sums up the week’s daftest statements.

“I’m still certain that when I finish playing I’m going to get very fat…”

Antonio Cassano is off to a head start

“To cut off Ficcadenti’s head would be the simplest thing, but I wouldn’t want to do that to a nice guy and a serious professional.”

Cagliari President and serial Coach chopper Massimo Cellino just can’t help himself, the axe is calling to him...

“I invested 10 per cent of my wages into the club and have become a Palermo shareholder.”

That way Pietro Lo Monaco can pay for his own severance package

“Old people like Zeman should leave the stage, retire, go and discuss things with friends at a bar and smoke a cigarette. They should avoid jobs that are not suited to them.”

Former Juventus President Giovanni Cobolli Gigli prepares the pipe and slippers for Zdenek

“Well, the Pope is older than me and he seems to do his job without problems.”

Zeman has already spent the last 30 years preaching his gospel

“I’ll be honest, I mis-hit that! Still, a scuffed effort is one of my trademarks.”

Alessandro Matri points out it takes a lot of practice to shin the ball effectively 

“What advice did I give my players about facing Juventus? Simple: don’t play like Roma.”

Shakhtar Donetsk manager Mircea Lucescu should’ve told Zeman that earlier

“The first half? I have to search my vocabulary.”

Careful, Roma director Walter Sabatini, we are a family site...

“I don’t know how stories like this can appear after such a fine win. It’s demented. I can say that Gasperini is staying and he will remain with us next season too.”

Now that really is demented, Lo Monaco

“They are unbeaten for 44 games in the League, but they have one head, two arms and two legs!”

Zeman thinks Juventus really are a fairytale ogre

“Cassano is such a crazy joker, he never shuts up. But it’s great to have someone like that in the team.”

Let’s see how long it takes before Walter Gargano tips the scale from ‘great’ to ‘annoying’

“I can say that I was the Coach of Palermo.”

By the end of this season, we expect several more will join Giuseppe Sannino in that less than limited group

“Is Di Carlo up for debate? Absolutely not. Mimmo has our total faith and we are going ahead with him.”

Guess who Chievo director Giovanni Sartori fired a couple of days later?

“The red card? My only fault was waving my arms about.”

And, points out Walter Mazzarri, Italians even do that in their sleep

“My goal is to become the best player in the world.”

Paul Pogba is a humble soul

“I believe that the fact we got 30,000 supporters was a positive seeing as 10,000 wouldn’t have come at our old Stadio Delle Alpi. This confirms how welcoming our new arena is, how it encourages fans to come to the stadium.”

Juventus President Andrea Agnelli notes the Champions League cannot compete with the prestige and excitement generated by facing Siena

“If I’ve been with the club for as long as I have there must be some reason why…”

Christian Abbiati is cheap?

“Enough of this story that I had a fight with Erik Lamela. It is not true!”

Not since that time Pablo Daniel Osvaldo confessed to punching him last year, at any rate