Friday December 14 2012
Mock the Quotes: Who shot L.B?

Mockable Leonardo Bonucci, a lonely Udinese fan and Santa is revealed as Susy Campanale rounds up the week’s daftest statements.

“Who shot Leonardo Bonucci?”

Even teammate Nicklas Bendtner had to mock the defender’s swan-dive

“I was in Genoa for a work meeting and usually take a trip round the area around this time of year, but it was pure coincidence Udinese were playing there at the same time. So I took advantage and organised a ticket.”

Not only was Arrigo Brovedani the only Udinese fan at the Sampdoria game, he didn’t even make the journey for that purpose

“When things go wrong, that's when you realize you've done something wrong.”

Nothing gets past Maurizio Zamparini

“I’ve now got a white beard. I don’t care about the whispers. All I am thinking about is getting as many points as possible from the two games that we have before Christmas. We’ll talk again in January…”

Omg, Stefano Sorrentino IS SANTA!

“The error is in expecting the generation after you to be the same as yours. I did not like Stephan El Shaarawy’s haircut, nor his eyebrows. Maybe now they miss my slaps, but I repeat, I was wrong. He is indeed proving to be a phenomenon.”

Gennaro Gattuso acknowledges his move into grumpy old man territory

“The team reacted in an extraordinary manner and I thank the players, because they really are special. So is the club and perhaps so am I.”

Antonio Conte is the Perhaps Special One in A Whole Squad of Specials

“The one thing that I missed most in the last four months has been the physical contact with the players at the end of the game.”

And, adds Conte, slapping them on the back of the head at half-time when things were going badly 

“If Palermo had equalised at the end, I would’ve locked the team in the dressing room. In fact, we’d have just stayed here for two days as punishment.”

Having spent four months in a Perspex box, Conte wants to spread the pain

“The second half was our monologue.”

Walter Mazzarri hopes to bring Napoli’s production of Hamlet to the West End

“When you have a player of this quality you can’t understand that he could continue to throw this out of the window.”

Roberto Mancini sees Mario Balotelli’s career go the way of bathroom fireworks

“Are we targeting first place? I want to stay up there and catch up those in front of us. There are still quite a few and we’ll try to get them, one by one.”

Zdenek Zeman takes the Pokemon approach to man-management

“We need sporting fair play, but I do not take the responsibility of being an educator. Parents can’t just expect me to educate their children.”

Gigi Buffon strikes ‘teacher’ and ‘role model’ off his list of post-football professions

“You can go a long way with humility. In our case it’s in the club's DNA, from the President all the way down to each of us.”

Javier Zanetti manages the impressive feat of being smug about humility

“We want to stay up and we have no intention of selling our best players, but if someone sent us a fax that made us faint…”

Sampdoria director Pasquale Sensibile brings out the smelling salts

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