Saturday December 29 2012
Mock the Quotes: 2012 Special

We take a look back over 12 months of silly statements from the world of Serie A, as Susy Campanale rounds up the Quotes of 2012.

“Francesco is the greatest exponent of the Roman world.”

Vincenzo Montella: Veni, Vidi, Totti

“Mario Balotelli costs as much as the Mona Lisa.”

It’s the enigmatic smile, says agent Mino Raiola

“I hope Giuseppe Sannino can last for five years. If I get rid of him early, then I deserve the sack instead.”

Maurizio Zamparini on June 15 – Sannino was sacked on September 16

“Lorenzo Insigne is a strong player and he has personality. He reminds me of Leo Messi in the way he plays and dribbles.”

And, adds Goran Pandev, in his inability to reach high shelves

“People say I should be a tutor to Balotelli? Well, in that case we’re in big trouble! Who is going to look after me, then?”

Antonio Cassano remakes Dumb and Dumber

“I’m not a doctor, but according to Professor Jean Pierre Meersemann, who I really respect, in America they have found a definitive solution to Alexandre Pato’s problems.”

We hope Milan and Adriano Galliani kept the receipt...

“I told Balotelli that if he played with me 10 years ago I would have maybe punched him in the head on a daily basis. I don’t speak with him every day, otherwise I would need a psychologist.”

Roberto Mancini takes both approaches to helping SuperMario: that of the psychologist and the pugilist

“It is as if Mattia Destro is studying at the University of Zeman.”

Sannino notes it’s worth about as much in the current job market as any other degree

“Galliani? No, Kojak hasn’t phoned me.”

How dare you, Montpellier President Louis Nicollin! Everyone knows he must be referred to as ‘Uncle Fester with a tan!’

“What would I do if Juventus called me? It’s those challenges, and those teams, that it would be difficult to say no to.”

Unlike, adds Fabio Cannavaro, staying with the side in Serie B

“It all happened in a matter of seconds and it came from an instinctive reaction and certainly not an attempt to emulate the superheroes you see at the cinema.”

Leonardo Bonucci denies that when punching an armed mugger he made the Iron Man repulsor blast noise

“Daniele De Rossi has not integrated himself into the squad.”

Zdenek Zeman notes it’s normal for players to take a while to settle in their first 12 years at a club

“When things go wrong, that's when you realize you’ve done something wrong.”

Nothing gets past Zamparini

“I’ve now got a white beard. All I am thinking about is getting as many points as possible from the two games that we have before Christmas. We’ll talk again in January…”

Omg, Stefano Sorrentino IS SANTA!

“Conte has to take care now. The stress of it all could see his hair fall out again.”

Ruud Gullit suggests the Juventus Coach go for his 1980s dreadlocks look next time

“In a sense I see a little of myself in David De Gea.”

Massimo Taibi probably thought that was a compliment. It’s not.

“If the house is crumbling then you don’t add more tiles. Instead, you try to strengthen the foundations.”

Claudio Ranieri says Inter were what estate agents call ‘a fixer-upper’

“Before I came here, I had never seen a postman kneel on my doorstep and kiss my feet.”

Miroslav Klose literally brought the Italian postal service to its knees

“I always expect more from people and that includes myself. When we reach 100 per cent, I’ll ask for 110 per cent the day after.”

After 38 games, that means Lazio Coach Vladimir Petkovic would eventually demand 470 per cent from his players

“I’ve no idea how Joe Hart will prepare for penalties.”

The answer, Gigi Buffon, is by pulling a face

“Wayne Rooney was kept quiet by us, but also by England’s tactics.”

Bonucci found it difficult to mark a man in the centre-circle

“Do I regret the decision to fire Stefano Pioli? I am eating my second testicle. I already ate the first.”

Zamparini is talking balls – not for the first time, it has to be said

“I tried everything in order for us not to wear our black kit against Arsenal. But the only alternative was to play nude.”

At least Galliani would’ve seen some Milan tackles at the Emirates...

“When a season goes this badly, there is a bit of everything in the soup of causes.”

Ranieri: Life’s a bisque

“I have to be honest, it was all moving so quickly that I didn’t realise the ball had crossed the line. Mind you, even if I had realised, I certainly wouldn’t have told the referee!”

Buffon says what we’re all thinking and probably shouldn’t actually say out loud

“Massimo Cellino has fun getting on people’s nerves. He’s beyond a joke. One time Cellino sent a letter accusing me of having eaten a 4kg fish. I swear this is true.”

Did Nedo Sonetti take the bait?

“Gay players shouldn’t come out. In stadiums there is so much ignorance on the theme of diversity. You just have to look at how foreign players are treated, so imagine how a player would be insulted if he declared himself gay, not to mention the media pressure on the team and the club.”

Antonio Cabrini suggests ending racism in football would be easy if players just kept their blackness private

“To recover quickly from one match to the next you have to immerse yourself in ice. It really helps.”

Javier Zanetti has been gradually cryogenically freezing himself

“It is my great pleasure to offer you my congratulations on your 28th title as champions of Italy. Last Sunday, after a great performance, the Juventus team won their 28th Scudetto. After nine years Juve have once again won the League.”

FIFA President Sepp Blatter might be trying to say something about Calciopoli here. Difficult to tell with such a subtle message...

“Juve keep talking about what happened on the pitch, on the pitch, on the pitch – well, Inter beat them on the pitch.”

Andrea Stramaccioni adds: ‘Put that motto on your shirts’

“I did 72 push-ups this morning and I feel like a 35-year-old.”

Doesn’t Silvio Berlusconi usually prefer them younger than that?

“If a teammate sold a game then I wouldn’t make the authorities aware of it. That’s because what happens in the changing rooms should stay there. I wouldn’t turn my back either, as I’d quietly beat the hell out of him.”

Pablo Daniel Osvaldo suggests a new initiative to fight match-fixing – less bans, more bruises

“Me and Yuto Nagatomo are friends because we don’t understand anything when we talk to each other. What do we talk about? Everything, food, women. From morning to night we tell each other a thousand times what great friends we are, because we don’t have any alternatives…”

Cassano’s career might’ve been far more successful if he had been incomprehensible to everyone

“In Palermo, landlords ask for six months' payment in advance from the Coaches. Because they all know the way Zamparini works.”

Sannino should’ve forged his CV with a more stable profession, like travelling circus performer

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