Friday February 1 2013
Mock the Quotes: Mean Marco

Marco Materazzi goes all Mean Girls, Juventus are inspired by Downton Abbey and Mario Balotelli swings the election as Susy Campanale rounds up the week’s daftest statements.

“If I am a liar then Rafa Benitez is thin.”

Marco Materazzi reveals his inner Mean Girl

“Asking them to behave like English Lords at the end of the match is difficult.”

Someone tell Juventus President Andrea Agnelli that Downton Abbey is not a documentary on modern Britain

“Oh they weren’t penalties, the referee is always right. In fact, Vucinic dived. He should’ve been booked for simulation and Marchetti didn’t touch him at all. Seba Giovinco was booked for diving? He should’ve been sent off, for you cannot try to con the referee like that. As for Klose, ooh, it was a very violent foul. An evident penalty.”

Can Antonio Conte get suspended for excessive sarcasm?

“I’ve never seen Jose Mourinho go and attack a referee like that. Never. Mourinho may have made the handcuff gesture, but I’ve never seen him deal with the refs in that way.”

Massimo Moratti points out insults are so much classier when expressed through the medium of mime

“I wouldn’t have reacted that way to a referee. I’d have gone home and smashed a wardrobe.”

Tune in next week for Maurizio Zamparini’s handy hints and tips

“I did not sign Mario Balotelli as a political statement. I signed him because he scored two goals against Germany and made them cry, unlike Prime Minister Mario Monti who made the Italians cry.”

Silvio Berlusconi will also let off fireworks in the bathroom of the EU

“Kaka and Drogba are 101% not coming to Milan. Balotelli? He is 99.9%...”

Is Adriano Galliani a pessimist or just built his career on freak occurrences?

“We can be the Mohican Strikers!”

Stephan El Shaarawy prepares to fight Mario for the locker room supply of hair gel

“Materazzi is only famous because of Zinedine Zidane.”

Yeah, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, it’s not as if he scored in the World Cup Final and won the Treble with Inter, is it?

“The referee Marco Guida is from Naples, so perhaps that is why he felt he was in a difficult position. Imagine if a referee from Turin had gone to officiate Napoli.”

Juventus chief Beppe Marotta forgets that if the referee is from Turin, he probably supports Toro

“I respect President Antonino Pulvirenti a great deal. I’ll go to hug him and hope he’ll do the same, even if he jeers me later...”

Vincenzo Montella would just prefer he didn’t jeer during the hug. It’s terribly distracting.

“I can be like a big brother amongst these young talents.”

Mathieu Flamini, you have been Nominated for a spot on the bench

“Twitter is perhaps not the best way to express your feelings.”

Agent Matteo Materazzi doesn’t realise the power of #cryingrightnow

“Mourinho represents a type of Coach they call ‘winning.’ For me, he’s more of a character, but one who will certainly remain in football history.”

Zdenek Zeman likes Mou, but he’s no Charlie Sheen

“We paid the price at Napoli when for the first 10 minutes we were basically on a guided tour of the stadium.”

Torino Coach Giampiero Ventura got lost in the gift shop

“In terms of characteristics, I’d say Mauro Icardi is the new Batistuta.”

Agent Abian Moreno confirms any tall Argentine striker is the new Bati, but if he’s short then he’s the new Messi

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