Friday February 22 2013
Mock the Quotes: Celebration of the lambs

Milan’s secret weapon to beat Barcelona, Marek Hamsik’s tourism slogan and Antonio Conte for Pope as Susy Campanale sums up the week’s silliest statements.

“Habemus Papam Conte.”

A Juventus fan banner suggests Antonio Conte swap Matri for a Mitre

“We won’t be the sacrificial lambs.”

Massimiliano Allegri turned wolf on Baaa-rcelona

“I won’t tell Allegri what side to pick – I’ve never done that. I know the role of the President and that of the Coach – I respect those – but a President has the right to give advice to his Coach. If a President doesn’t agree with a Coach then he fires him.”

Silvio Berlusconi assures a tactician doesn’t have to agree with his views, unless of course he wants to stay in his job

“The Milan players should try to be annoying, especially when dealing with Lionel Messi.”

Giancarlo Marocchi reveals their secret weapon: The Harlem Shake

“It's the third time that I’ve been mugged since I've been here. I'm really sorry that these kind of things happen, but unfortunately it is one of the hardships of living in Naples.”

Marek Hamsik might improve his chances of not getting robbed at gunpoint if he swapped the Rolex for a Casio

“How do you stop Leo Messi? With a gun.”

Conte hints at how he’ll mark Hamsik out of the Napoli-Juve game...

“Mario Balotelli is a star centre-forward, someone who stops the traffic when he walks around the streets of Milan.”

Berlusconi adds that’s usually because he has parked his camouflage Bentley somewhere illegal

“As has always happened, they’ll call me in and I’ll sign whatever they want me to.”

Esteban Cambiasso has an Inter contract and 27 timeshares

“I don’t remember Mario having such a delicate boot with his free kicks over the wall. I mainly recall him thumping frightening strikes.”

Adriano Galliani discovers Balotelli’s softer side

“We don’t play as a team when we don’t follow the sheet music and that makes everyone go off key.”

Conte takes his team talks from Glee

“Well, that was a balanced encounter.”

Mayor of Florence Matteo Renzi rubs it in after a 4-1 victory over Inter

“I spoke to the police and was told two of them weren’t actually stabbings, as the people barely noticed.”

Claudio Lotito assures it was nothing more than an affectionate poke with the end of a knife

“Kwadwo Asamoah was on international duty for six weeks and someone even wanted me to play him against Celtic. He looked like a fish out of water today, as he hadn’t trained with us for a month and a half and it was enough to take him out of our systems.”

Conte’s not Neil Lennon, for goodness sake...

“I am the greatest! Wait, is that even possible? Alright, then I’m the greatest behind Ali!”

Zlatan Ibrahimovic floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee and has an ego the size of his transfer fee

“Is it wrong to have three at the back? I guess that means we’ll practice using two instead...”

Vladimir Petkovic takes the discount approach to tactics

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