Friday March 8 2013
Mock the Quotes: The Artist

Antonio Cassano needs an easel, a psychologist and a plumber, while Antonio Conte mentors Neil Lennon as Susy Campanale sums up the week’s daftest statements.

“Antonio Cassano is a talent, as we know, and artists are a bit special. Basically we need to understand him.”

Massimo Moratti just hopes FantAntonio doesn’t apologise by chopping his own ear off

“The locker room is sacred.”

Andrea Stramaccioni performed an exorcism on evil spirit Cassano

“Cassano is a lovable character, but sometimes the valve blows and he loses control.”

Arrigo Sacchi explains he needs a psychologist and a plumber

“If Neil Lennon is moaning about referees then he’s ready to work in Italy, as everyone does that here.”

Antonio Conte is happy to mentor the Celtic boss

“We spoke afterwards and it’s only right that for 90 minutes we knock each other about, but at the final whistle it’s all over.”

Giorgio Chiellini assures there’s no harm in elbows to the face or a bit of hair-pulling between friends

“Giorgio is seeing if Cavani has hair gel in…”

Conte reveals There’s Something About Edi

“We had tried to work on not allowing Tottenham to get enthusiastic by scoring early on.”

Imagine if Strama and Inter hadn’t specifically considered that at White Hart Lane

“Dear friends, I was booked for a mild case of drink-driving last night.”

Nicklas Bendtner explains Danish DUI cases are divided into mild, spicy and piri piri

“Everyone makes mistakes in their lives.”

Like Juventus signing Bendtner, for example

“Sebastian Giovinco was listed in the elections and I voted for him.”

Conte hopes at least the Atomic Ant can solve the energy crisis

“I am leaving behind hours and hours of rehabilitation, and I can assure you – I'm not an easy patient! I want to thank all the medical staff at the club and hope to see much less of them from now on.”

It sounds like the feeling is mutual for Bosko Jankovic

“Mario Balotelli will keep getting into trouble even when he’s 30!”

Roberto Mancini assures age is no guarantee of maturity

“I really like the honesty of the fans and their warmth. It is very positive and motivating. I believe a sincere dialogue with the fans is crucial.”

New Roma CEO Italo Zanzi might not appreciate their ‘honesty’ so much when it’s in the form of insults and projectiles

“I want to stay here as a Coach or in another dimension.”

Francesco Guidolin wants to be the next Doctor Who

“Zlatan Ibrahimovic is jealous of Javier Pastore.”

Maurizio Zamparini knows it’s all about the nose

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