Saturday April 27 2013
Mock the Quotes: Pirlo's poison pen

Andrea Pirlo is unimpressed, Antonio Conte puts the hair-dryer treatment to shame and Enrico Preziosi did it his way as Susy Campanale sums up the week’s oddest comments.

“A lovely pen, but still a pen. Filled with banal blue ink. Adriano Galliani told me ‘Make sure you don’t use that to sign a new contract with Juventus.’ At least he got the joke right.”

Andrea Pirlo notes the pen is not mightier than a really cool Samurai sword or frankly any other parting gift

“This squad, dear lads, is coming off two consecutive seventh-place finishes. It’s crazy. Shocking. I am not here for this, so it’s time to stop being crap.”

Antonio Conte’s opening speech to the Juventus squad certainly summed up the message from fans

“It is the most dangerous spot in Turin, especially at half-time. Conte storms in and – even when we are winning – throws anything he can get his hands on towards the wall, which is my spot. He’ll throw anything he can find, almost always plastic bottles full of water. Very fizzy water.”

Pirlo really does need the hair-dryer treatment after that

“Inter President Massimo Moratti has said I’m young inside? The passion he puts into Inter shows that he’s young inside too.”

Just don’t look at the state of his and Zdenek Zeman’s lungs

“Piotr Zielinski has the stigmata of a champion.”

Francesco Guidolin notes he’s good on crosses

“We may have one foot in the grave, but we will honour the tournament.”

If Pescara survive, co-Coach Bruno Nobili will exclaim: ‘I don’t belieeeeve it!’

“If after beating Napoli I was the Special Two, then now I’m considered not even worthy of Serie A.”

That didn’t sound like much of a compliment for Andrea Stramaccioni in the first place

“I often get provoked in Turin when they ask me to admit I knocked Mark Iuliano over.”

If Ronaldo really wanted to hurt Iuliano, he would’ve just sat on him

“If the opportunity arises then I will shake Adem Ljajic’s hand, but I won’t go looking for him.”

Just as well, because Delio Rossi walking towards him might trigger post-traumatic stress

“We had Leo Messi in our grasp a few years ago, so we have more regrets over him than Robert Lewandowski!”

Regrets, Genoa President Enrico Preziosi has a few, but then again, far too many to mention

“We must avoid offensive or racist chants. Let’s not play their game. The ‘moaners’ at Milan are waiting for us to slip up. All it will take is one offensive or racist chant, or a couple of monkey noises, to get the stadium banned and steal our Scudetto party away from us. This is why we are asking everyone to take responsibility. We must cheer on our club colours and not give them anything to criticise us for.”

The Juventus ultras take the right approach, but for all the wrong reasons

“I want to become stronger than  Messi. I work very hard, and I know that one day I will reach my goal.”

We assume M’Baye Niang means that he can beat the Barcelona star in an arm-wrestling contest