Saturday October 5 2013
Mock the Quotes: Turin Flame War

Juventus-Torino Twitter feud, Daniele De Rossi held it in and Mario Balotelli got theatrical as Susy Campanale finds the week’s silliest statements.

“The truth is that Juventus won the Derby 1-0 and that the only goal was with a very clear offside position. Anything else is just pointless words. Antonio Conte must certainly have been better at Italian than mathematics.”

The official Torino website sparks the Great Turin Derby Social Media Flame War

“Effectively we’re not good at mathematics. But we can count to 0, like the number of shots on target Torino had!”

... followed by the official Juventus Twitter feed

“Don’t knock yourselves down. You managed to count to 31 (oops, 29).”

Toro’s tweet goes straight for the Calciopoli jugular

“We always win with help, so that’ll be why someone who nearly breaks my ankle only gets a yellow card...”

Carlos Tevez decides the best response is a gory close-up photograph of his bloodied stump. As selfies go, it’s not one of Twitter’s most attractive efforts

“There are things that are worth more than a victory. For example being able to leave the pitch with heads held high, knowing that we played honestly.”

If Alessio Cerci values honesty so much, he should admit Torino spent most of the game in their own half

“Conte said other teams play more defensively against them, but that’s fairly normal. If I were to challenge Mike Tyson then I’d do it on a chess board rather than in a boxing ring!”

Giampiero Ventura underestimates the devastating impact of Tyson’s signature Zwischenzug manoeuvre

“The Turin Derby is a fixture where technique and quality are not enough, as you need grit, sporting aggression and rage.”

And linesmen, adds Conte

“It didn’t seem like a sending off to me, as I tried to get the ball.”

Ciro Immobile insists the back of Tevez’s ankle looked like the ball wearing a cunning disguise

“We no longer wet ourselves the way we used to in the past.”

Daniele De Rossi puts Roma’s success down to beating the scourge of incontinence

“My driver was in the restaurant, as he thought he had two hours to have dinner. I saw this poor man with a moped and jumped on the back. He said ‘Who are you?’ ‘President of Napoli.’ ‘Napoli who?’ ‘The Team.’ ‘I don’t know anything about soccer!’ ‘Ok, just go, go, go!’”

Napoli President and Hollywood mogul Aurelio De Laurentiis always wanted his own high speed chase

“My family have adapted well to Naples. It is very similar to Liverpool.”

Pepe Reina realises both cities are regularly insulted by the rest of the country

“In the first half it was tactically a good performance.”

Massimiliano Allegri insists the sow’s ear is in face a full set of silk-lined luggage

“We can’t just sit here looking at the table and weeping.”

Assistant manager Mauro Tassotti says that’s the job of the fans

“This pitch is fairly new and therefore a bit hard, so I preferred it to be wet. Then the sky did it for me.”

Rudi Garcia plays near the Vatican, where God is his groundskeeper

“With Mario Balotelli you know he can score from scratch and create theatre.”

Ajax Coach Frank De Boer was particularly impressed with his radical reworking of Uncle Vanya on the half-volley

“Juve went behind and they were awarded a penalty that was, shall we say, strange?”

Roberto Mancini picks up where he left off in Italy

“I have sacked a lot of Coaches, but I had never suffered as I did this time with Rino Gattuso. I already made up my mind to change him after Week 2.”

Clearly not that difficult for Palermo President Maurizio Zamparini, then

“In my opinion, Arsene Wenger is the best Coach that is currently in the Premier League.”

Rafa Benitez has a message for Jose Mourinho and it’s this: BURN!

“The Coach prepared us very well and in theory we are ready in every zone of the pitch for what Arsenal can throw at us.”

Giandomenico Mesto proves theory is worth nothing in football

“We were told by the referees that it’s a handling offence only if the player moves towards the ball or at least increases the size of his body. David Pizarro has little arms, so I’m not sure how much he could increase that...”

Vincenzo Montella describes Pizarro as the T-Rex of calcio

Keep up to date with the latest news and action from Spain's Primera Division with Football Espana - from the team behind Football Italia.

Have your say...
This time it's very funny. I hope Juve vs Milan will give you raw material, Susy.
on the 6th October, 2013 at 10:10am

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