Sunday November 3 2013
Mock the Quotes: Allegri on eBay

Max Allegri goes to auction, Carlos Tevez is prolific and Sassuolo have chemistry as Susy Campanale has the week’s strangest comments.

“For sale: Coach Allegri without ideas or character. We offer you a pointless Coach who doesn’t know how to train, can’t motivate players and only makes absurd substitutions at the 70th minute. He is specialised only in games against Barcelona. If you pay immediately, you’ll receive Mauro Tassotti for free. It’s a real deal!!!! We will not be held responsible for errors in manufacture.”

A disgruntled Milan fan put his tactician on eBay, which is also where Adriano Galliani looks for defenders

“We cannot rest on the laurels of a good result against Barça.”

Does that count as ‘laurels,’ Allegri? Surely it’s just one leaf and a twig...

“Is Tevez prolific off the field as well as on it? I guess so!”

Antonio Conte compliments Carlitos and wife, who are expecting another child

“I want to tell the referee that errors like this can also help him to improve and mature.”

Andrea Della Valle hopes the official will sit in a corner and think about what he’s done

 “I think we have 27 wizards.”

Rudi Garcia reveals the secret to Roma’s success – Quidditch

“I want my players to transmit a sense of defensive solidity, something that we lacked at the start of the season.”

Eusebio Di Francesco’s Sassuolo have at least moved from a gaseous state to liquid

“In Italy the Coach is a paratrooper who jumps out of the plane but doesn’t know if the parachute will open or not.”

Claudio Ranieri went for the GI Joe look, but ended up as a splat on the pavement

“When I took Mario to Manchester City, it was because I thought he’d suffer less of this pressure. Perhaps it was a mistake to bring him back to Italy.”

Mino Raiola longs for the days of the British tabloids inventing Balotelli stories

“Compliments to my teammates who all showed they’ve got courage, strength and balls!”

Francesco Totti reveals even the Roma mascot is anatomically correct

“The Viola colours enter you like a punch to the heart.”

Remind us never to ask Ryder Matos for romantic poetry

“What happened was that **** Paolo Cannavaro hired a boat and took Gonzalo Higuain to Capri. There was no proper guide, so he took him diving right over the rocks.”

Aurelio De Laurentiis notes Cannavaro is a bad captain both on the field and at sea

“If we play badly and take three points, that would be okay.”

Cagliari Coach Diego Lopez got one of those two things...

“I think Walter Samuel’s performance tonight was on a par with the level we've become accustomed to over the years.”

Esteban Cambiasso doesn’t specify whether that’s a compliment or an insult

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