Saturday December 7 2013
They said what?!

Sweaty Fabio Capello, misogynistic Gennaro Gattuso and weepy Sinisa Mihajlovic are in Susy Campanale’s quotes of the week.

“Italy are playing in the north. They have to use the ball well, because as has been said before – the ball does not sweat.”

Fabio Capello underestimates the effects of Amazonian humidity. Bring some talc, just in case.

“I don’t want to say this, but I really can’t see women in football.”

That’s alright, Gennaro Gattuso. We don’t want to say this, but you forged a career in the sport despite having the first touch of a particularly clumsy elephant and spending much of the time stomping around like a grumpy garden gnome

“You could say Rafa Benitez is my football father.”

Pepe Reina is glad he got his mother’s good looks

“There’s nothing wrong with a man crying. I cry if I watch a sad film and when I told my parents that I was leaving the Serbia job, we all cried. Tears are a sign of sentiments and values. I will cry before the game, but I hope Mazzarri will be crying at the end...”

Sinisa Mihajlovic reveals the soft, snuggly sweetheart beneath that brusque, borderline violent exterior we all know and dislike

“He is doing everything to make me hate him! He was chosen by Inter when I had been contacted, now he’s getting Genoa to win. If he tells me he supported Partizan Belgrade as a kid then it’s a full house!”

Gian Piero Gasperini also stole Mihajlovic’s Love, Actually DVD – unforgivable.

“I’d ask myself a few questions after what happened at the Juventus Stadium. If even children start insulting the opposition team, then it means there are serious problems of ethics and sporting attitude in this country.”

Capello knew it was a mistake to invite the kids from South Park

“Mario Balotelli reminds me of Edmundo. I used to talk with him until one or two o’clock in the morning to try and understand what was his problem. He used to say ‘yes, yes’ to me and then he’d take to the field of play and argue with Gabriel Batistuta and Manuel Rui Costa…”

Giovanni Trapattoni realises he should’ve called in the Dog Whisperer to deal with O’Animal

“I understand that this team must always be led by hand as they do not have the maturity to do it alone.”

Walter Mazzarri has Inter on training wheels

“I know that I am a lucky guy, but at times I too want to live like a normal person.”

Balotelli just wants to live like Common People. He wants to do whatever Common People do.

“The situation is evolving and there’s no point talking about it now. The club will do what is best for Milan.”

That’s Massimiliano Allegri’s way of saying ‘I have absolutely no idea what’s going on’

“Udinese need points, not compliments.”

Francesco Guidolin notes ‘flattery will get you nowhere’ is more than just a stock phrase

“President Silvio Berlusconi’s words are sacred and have been as far as I am concerned for the last 34 years, even before I started working at Milan.”

Adriano Galliani has a shrine to The Dear Leader in his office

“Will I write a letter to Father Christmas asking for a new player? No, I don’t write letters to Santa.”

Antonio ‘Bah Humbug’ Conte also blocks up the chimney, just in case

“In reality though, I was waiting for Stephan El Shaarawy and Mario Balotelli to arrive. I wanted to pass them the ball, but they didn’t arrive and I shot instead to score my 99th goal.”

Does Ricky Kaka have to do everything himself?

“I thank the Lord that I had the idea on August 31 to go to Madrid, without any pre-arranged appointment, and from there it all happened and Kaka came back.”

Galliani bets Barbara Berlusconi wouldn’t have thought of that...

“Gabriel Batistuta is back in Italy? If he brings his boots along, we might let him play!”

Considering Fiorentina beat Verona 4-3, Vincenzo Montella might’ve been better off inviting Francesco Toldo back

“What do I envy Conte? His youth. I see myself in Conte, as I recognise the grit with which he guides the team from the bench.”

Guidolin was going to say his hair, then realised he could just purchase some for himself

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