Tuesday February 25 2014
They said what?!

Antonio Conte kicks up a Fabio Capello stink, Lucio goes Neo on Matrix and Walter Mazzarri channels Airplane in Susy Campanale’s quotes of the week.

“I can’t do anything now without everyone asking for a poll on whether I ‘slapped’ the players or hand-fed them. I don’t like people who try to act like teachers when they don’t know the situation and frankly ought to look into their own houses, as there’s probably more stink there.”

Antonio Conte turns his nose up at Fabio Capello’s pungent form of punditry

“When a guru of football speaks, we ought to just kneel down and say ‘Yessir!’”

Conte would kiss Capello’s toes were it not for the aforementioned smell

“I remember Marcello Lippi’s team and even Giovanni Trapattoni's, as they played well, but Capello’s era is famous only for the revocation.”

And the records Conte is now breaking

“Capello ought to mind his own business. He won two Scudetti with a tank of a squad, but nobody will remember him for anything in particular.”

Other than winning nine League titles with three different clubs in two countries and destroying Barcelona 4-0 in a Champions League Final, Conte?

“It’s difficult to talk about Materazzi, because I arrived in Italy in 2009 and the last time I saw him play well was in 2006. Materazzi is a bit repressed, but on the pitch he was very nasty as he went in to hurt his opponents. I played alongside him and heard him say he played to hurt the opposition. Now he behaves the same way off the field – as a nasty person.”

Lucio channels his inner Keanu Reeves to pull some verbal kung fu on the Matrix – ouch!

“I’m getting two guitars sent over for him from Cagliari. Maybe we could even play a concert at Elland Road one day.”

Massimo Cellino might change his mind again and spring Duelling Banjos on Leeds manager Brian McDermott

“Coming back to AC Milan was like I’d never been away actually. You know everybody, everybody knows you.”

Clarence Seedorf felt it was like Cheers, except he left as Norm and returned as Coach

“Action replays in a match situation isn’t real football. We all dream of seeing Monica Bellucci naked, but don’t want to see her x-rays.”

Referees’ Association President Marcello Nicchi warns there can be such a thing as too up close and personal

“Someone who dares to claim they stay at home because they don’t want to work is an imbecile. His family should keep him at home to rest for a while. Maybe send him skiing.”

Diego Della Valle suggests heir to the Agnelli empire John Elkann go to Sochi – and not come back

“After a while, this is getting boring. If every time Napoli notch up two straight wins we have to hear this stuff, then clearly we get fed up with it.”

Director Piero Ausilio finds listening to Rafa Benitez even worse than watching his Inter performances

“At the time Ausilio said I was right to complain, but now he works for Inter and has to do his duty in defending the club.”

Benitez replies he won as many trophies at Inter as Ausilio has faces – two

“A stadium without fans in the Curve is like a woman without breasts.”

Someone tell Sinisa Mihajlovic that’s the Italian ‘curve’ for ends of the arena and not the English curves...

“I will re-watch the footage of that marvellous goal all night.”

Adriano Galliani really knows how to spend Valentine’s Day

“How many scoring opportunities do you need in Florence to win by a slender margin?”

Walter Mazzarri writes a new verse to Blowin’ in the Wind

“How can they start to doubt me when I’ve only just arrived and picked up the team mid-season?”

Many people doubted Seedorf before he even started

“We must play with patience.”

It’s lucky Catania didn’t take Rolando Maran’s advice, as they scored after 41 seconds

“I had stopped smoking for eight months, but in pre-season training with Inter I started again. Moratti smokes a great deal and in one of our first meetings he gave me a helping hand to get back into it.”

Working at Inter left Mazzarri like the chief in Airplane. ‘Looks like I picked the wrong club to stop smoking.’

“Catenaccio doesn’t exist anymore and nobody in Italy talks about it. If you do, then it means you are in bad faith or misinformed.”

Marcello Lippi has a message for TV commentators and pub bores

“It did seem something that was not exactly difficult to judge. It’s a mistake, not a complicated one to evaluate, but it can happen.”

Vincenzo Montella hands the linesman the business card of a good optician

“I am very happy, as it’s the type of record I like to beat – one of longevity.”

Francesco Guidolin insists quantity trumps quality

“Our goal is to continue to ingest the medicine we call victory.”

Leonardo Bonucci has run out of aspirin

“Jese Rodriguez is a crazy talent that is not yet 21. Pato was like him.”

That sound you hear behind Ancelotti is Jese feverishly knocking wood

“If I could be in someone’s head for a moment, who would it be? David Beckham!”

Paul Pogba could’ve chosen Stephen Hawking, but opted for the world’s other renowned thinker

“Compared to other sports, our one, especially in Italy, is very conservative. I think it would be difficult for someone to declare their sexuality at this time.”

Said Mattia Perin, the man with the gayest hairstyle in Serie A

“I made changes because Serie A is important. Before the weekend we were four points off the European qualification zone, so I had to favour that tournament. “

Edy Reja reveals the reason Italian clubs have such a poor UEFA co-efficient – the priority is getting into Europe, not actually staying there

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